Everyone's Got One

I think we all have these.  You know, these little idiosyncrasies that could make us look obsessive compulsive if they went too far?  

I have noticed my own.  If the volume on a stereo is digital, it must be an even number.  There should be a natural break in the song, tv show or conversation on talk radio in order for me to turn it off.  I tell the time to the minute, I just can’t bring myself to round it to the nearest 5-minute interval.

My mom simply CAN NOT walk past a pen on the ground without stopping to pick it up.  It might not be any good, but she can use it for parts.  She collects pens.  Pens from all over.  Not necessarily different styles, but also for the logos and designs on the pens.  She has hundreds of pens, so, she needs the parts to rebuild a pen if needed.

My daughter laughed at me when I told her about my radio and volume issues, but then said she can’t get out of bed in the morning before she fixes her pony tail.  Her toaster setting must be set to a number, can’t be in the middle and she presses “OFF” on the phone twice after every call.

A friend of mine, Peter, has to back his car into a parking spot.  He won’t bring himself to simply pull in.

Facebook friend Barry says that he has to have the coffee table lined up with the couch and any picture has to be straight.  Rob also has to straighten things out.  They just can’t leave things out of place or crooked.

Danielle, another friend says “improper spelling and grammar, especially when there is a spell check feature. It drives me crazy! I am always correcting spelling and grammar!”

Kari posted to me, “pictures and furniture definitely have to be straight for me, too, and if I'm by myself walking I often find myself counting my steps, I'm also obsessed with making sure things are spelled right.”  She read her posting five times to ensure correct spelling.

Pennies on the ground?  I gotta have ‘em.  It’s free money!

This morning on 103.1 Fresh FM, Natalie, D and Gord talked about theirs:

Gord has to check that the stove is off at least once before leaving the house. 

Natalie checks that her front door five times

Darrin can't leave his car without locking the doors with two honks on the remote.

They posted on their Facebook page, “ Do you have any obsessive compulsive tendencies that you'd like to admit to

C'mon! Get it off your chest once and for all” and received many replies.

“ Hitting clear on the calculator many times just to make sure its really clear”

“Cannot eat off anything other than a white, circle/oval plate. If you serve me a steak on a blue plate, it tastes different!”

I think we all have something.  From a clinical perspective, there is likely a diagnosis.  The leading authority for clinical diagnosis is the DSM IV - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 4.

The first edition (DSM-I) was published in 1952, and had about 60 different disorders.  Today there are over 200 so I am sure that there is something that would fit.

Until we are all diagnosed, let’s embrace our uniqueness and our quirks.  We are all in this world together.  I heard it said this winter that every snowflake is unique but they all stick together.  Another lesson to be learned.

Everyone has a story.  

Surrogate or Adoption

Maybe I see the world through a different set of lenses, but I have hesitated on writing this for some time for fear of offending some of the readers who will encounter this blog. I have come to a point, though, that the offence is something I am willing to face in light of speaking my opinion.

I have met a couple of individuals at different times over the last three years who are surrogate parents. I thought this was quite admirable; Taking the associated risks of pregnancy to help another couple fulfill their desires to grow a family.

After all, that’s the ‘right’ thing to think isn’t it?

Something just didn’t sit right with me. I couldn’t pinpoint it and I wrestled with it for some time. If this was such a loving and selfless act, why was I struggling to embrace the concept?
I am pretty sure I have figured it out and it’s a two-fold response.

First, while there are mixed reports on the exact number, it is safe to say that more than 25,000 children in Canada are without parents and are awaiting adoption . That’s more children than the entire country of Palau. (Useless fact: There are four countries with a population under 25,000)
These are children who are in the care of child welfare agencies as well as those adoptable through private adoption agencies. These are children who have faced the loss of parents through accidents, abuse, neglect or by parental choice to sign over parental rights.

These are children who need love. These are children who need family.

There are risks to raising any child, and more so when a child is coming from a potentially traumatic past. I read on one website a response “Many people prefer international adoption to domestic adoption since it comes with very few uncertainties”  Really? Few uncertainties? With an adoption in Canada as much information as possible is gathered to ensure that prospective parents are equipped with the needed information to embrace a child into their family. I’m not clear on how overseas adoptions are as thorough. Maybe someone can help me better understand?

Second, I think this speaks to our culture's “need” to have our “own.” Take this anonymous reader response on adoption versus surrogate:

"Personally, I would want a surrogate. But only if it was my egg implanted. (do people do that?) I would not want to adopt, because I'd want a baby that was genetically mine and my husbands, but I never want to experience a pregnancy."

Genetically mine. Is it possible you could love an adopted child as much as a biological child? I sure hope so! My wife and I didn’t give birth to Cooper, our black lab dog, but he’s our dog. My wife and I didn’t give birth to Dozer, our pug, but when he died we lost a part of our family. Now don’t misunderstand, I am not equating a dog to a child, but I hope you see the point. There are many animal adoption agencies because the need is recognized.

Children though, maybe not in so much need? More than 78,000 children are in the care of child welfare organizations in Canada. Almost half have parents who have lost parental rights according to Canada’s Waiting Kids, now living in foster care or institutional placements.

An adopted child is no less “mine” than an adopted child. Ask my parents. They adopted me and I am theirs through and through.

Oh, there it is…that’s why this issue hits home for me. I am an adopted child. I was chosen.

Yup. It’s a personal matter. When Butch and Ellen had me it was a time of celebration, just as it is for many new parents. Due to complications, Ellen died just 15 days after my birth, and Butch was left as a single dad. He wasn’t ready for that. He couldn’t be ready for that. It wasn’t in their plans. Nonetheless, he was facing a time in his life of celebration and sorrow. Joy and grief. In time, he made the decision to give me up to my parents.

They knew each other. Butch and Ellen, and Derek and Vicki were friends. They traveled together, Ellen and Vicki went to school together. They were each at each other’s weddings. The tie was tight. Derek and Vicki willing accepted me into their lives as their son at Butch’s request. (Maybe one day I will tell the whole story on my blog.)

And so it was. In fact, I was to be the first of many. As circumstances were though, I ended up as the only child. The chosen only son to Derek and Vicki. I am not “genetically” theirs, but I am theirs. And they are mine. No amount of science or medical intervention would change that.
Another anonymous poster said this:

“We adopt because we want a family and to give those without a family, a family. It has nothing to do with our DNA, or being pregnant. There are so many children already here that need a loving family, a regular child-hood. We would never be so selfish as to pay someone to give birth to our child when there are millions without a mommy & daddy.”

I see adoption as destiny. Accept it or reject it, it’s your call. But as an adopted kid, sure am glad I was accepted.

Everyone has a story.  Do you have an adoption story? Share it at rowleywriter@gmail.com



More information on Canadian adoption:
http://www.canadaswaitingkids.ca/support.html
http://www.canadaadopts.com/
http://www.adoption.ca/
http://www.oacas.org/

Don't Break the Cycle

It starts in Kindergarten. You’re the new kid in the school and you need to begin establishing yourself. Now, you’re only 5 years old so you don’t even know this is happening, but your teachers do and they keep all the dirt in a student record that follows you for the next 13 years or so.

In the mean time, you work away making good and bad choices, but you make it to grade eight. Life is good! You own the school. You’re a senior. All the younger kids want to be like you because you are the top of the school’s food chain.

When grade nine starts and it’s time to start again at the bottom. You are a bottom feeder, a basement dweller. A minor niner. It’s tough to adapt for some people. Once heading up the grades, you are now nothing to the grade 12s.

Given time, usually four years, but sometimes five or more, you make it to the top again! This time though, 10 percent of the students have dropped out. They have struggled to find their place. Challenges were beyond ability. Peer settings were not conducive to success and belonging. Those who survive go on to become high school seniors. The elite of the secondary school.

Seems like we’ve been here before doesn’t it? Oh right, back in grade eight! Relive the days of being on top of the world, heading up the schools hierarchy of students. Then it happens.

Post Secondary Education. First year of university or college. You get on campus and you wander around in awe of the grandeur, but also worried like a lost puppy in a city you’ve never seen. You’re at the bottom again. The feeling here is different though. You are encouraged and supported. You have a greater sense of purpose, of future, even belonging. There is some intense learning about to take place. Everything you’ve done up to now has helped you get here, but this is a new game. This is a game changer.

Fast forward, three, four, eight years. You have your degree in hand and you’re out the door into the world. Time to start the career. You find it, the one you’ve been working so hard for, and guess what? You’re at the bottom of the pecking order again. The bottom rung of the ladder. The new guy. You are working with people who have years, even decades of experience. You, well, you just got here.

Statistics say that most people are changing jobs every two to three years now. Not everyone though. Not that cranky old guy that knows how to crush your spirit. Not the cantankerous women who has been sitting at the front desk for twenty years. She knows how to rob the joy from the very depths of your soul.

You need to find your place and hang on to your own self worth. Then the day will likely come when you reach the top of your game and it’s no longer a challenge to you. You’ve seen countless new staff come on board and look to you for answers and guidance. Now, well now it’s time to move on to a new adventure. It’s getting boring here. You can’t move around anymore.

Starting again, at the bottom of the ladder, looking to the top, where you want to be.

It’s a good cycle really. One that shouldn’t be broken. This cycle can empower us to stay on our game, to be continually challenged, even renewed. Staying on top too long can make you forget how vulnerable and replaceable you really are.

I just changed jobs after 11 ½ years. It’s a safe change though since I am slated to return to my old position in one year. Day one was like the first day in a new school. I was five years old again. I was in grade nine again. It was the first day of college again. It was time to find my fit in a new job setting. One that will stretch my comfort level beyond anything I have experienced. It’s good.

Change is needed, otherwise we become stagnant. We become too comfortable and we reject progress. Challenges keep us fresh or we risk resting on our laurels.

Starting in a new job, a new team, even moving to a new province or country to take up a new life brings with it a set of feelings and emotions that cause disturbance in our inner being. It’s good though, don’t worry. You are on a journey to become who are meant to be.

Each of us has a purpose and a destiny. Staying in the safety and comfort zones will rob you of your true potential. We each have more ability than we can imagine! You really do! Each of us is a creation, a unique, purposed and caused creation that has a distinct role to fulfill. Take courage – it’s there to be had – and try something new. Start something new. Be something new.

French poet and philosopher, Paul Valery (October 30, 1871 – July 20, 1945) once said, “The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.”

Physicist Albert Einstein (March 14, 1879 - April 18, 1955) is to have said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” and “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”
Everyone has a story. How you choose to live your life helps to build the plot line of your story. Will your story be one of mystery, drama, adventure, revolution, motivation, encouragement? Or will it sit on the shelves in the cognitive library of life, where no one takes a second glance?

Welcome to 2012

It’s really an incredible time in the world. I went to bed last night, utterly sick of the rain. I just want to get out on my motorcycle again. The rain was still coming down as we settled down for a night of sleep. Although I was sick of it, the sound is peaceful and helps one to settle nicely.

This morning was a different story.

Today it’s similar to living in the movie 2012. I woke up today to crazy snow and slippery roads. Everything is covered again. It’s actually quite beautiful. My offices were both closed today because of weather related problems like power outages and loss of phones, but we got the kids off to school.

Then we turned on the radio. Life took on a decidedly different look.

More than 100 weather related accidents around the region.

Massive earthquake off the coast of Japan.

23 foot Tsunami destroying parts of Japan with hundreds of lives lost.

Tsunami warnings in 50 countries including Canada’s west coast.

Volcano tremors in Hawaii.

Some damage in Hawaii from waves stemming from the earthquake.

Suddenly, things are put into perspective. I can’t explain why natural disasters happen and why hundreds, sometimes thousands, of lives are lost. I don’t understand why countries battle and why people riot. I can’t fathom the brutality of some world leaders. But one thing I do know and that is that my God is a good and just God. I wouldn’t want to face any of life’s challenges without Him.

No matter what you believe, there is something in each of us that stirs the knowledge that there is something more to our lives. During these days, draw near to that small inner voice. If history teaches us anything, our situations are not getting any better in the world. There will be people who look like they can save us all – just look at the US Presidential Election. It simply isn’t true. Out of crisis, a hero will emerge, that’s the pattern. Watch for it. Be aware. Trust only that which is true.

Everyone has a story. The stories aren’t from the heroes in the media, it’s the people that are humble and show a servant heart. There will be many who step up over the next few days, but very few who any of us will ever hear about.

Why do they look like that?

I was recently in Chatanooga, Tennessee for an officers meeting and it was suggested to me that I write about the appearance of a biker. People often comment on the “tough guy” image, with the leather, bandanas and wallet chains, but there is a reason for everything that we wear that runs beyond the image.
Helmets are a pretty clear necessity, so all I will say is that many of us wear them because they are required by law, others because we want to keep out brains in our head in case of a crash.
So, with that said, let’s begin with the leather: jacket, chaps, gloves and vest. There is an tremendous sense of freedom when riding. Even in the hot summer weather, there is a windchill, espcially at night. Leather keeps bikers warm. The bugs and stones don’t sting as much. Leather can be warm when not moving, but once on a run it keeps biker comfortable. Remember too, that cruising along at 100 km/hr is invigorating and freeing, but crashing is another story.
When a biker hits that ground and slides around the asphalt, the leather helps to protect from road rash. It helps keep stones and road scrap out of our bodies. Leather is a good protective measure that all bikers have in the back of their mind.
Vests specifically are worn primarly by bikers who are part of a club, group or association. Called “colours” or “cuts”, they serve as identification. Bikers wear them with pride because there is a brotherhood and they are a part of it. The vest also provides a measure of protection, but it is better identified as a means of recognition in the biker world.
Boots are worn for safety as well. Riding in running shoes or shoes with little traction is not safe. When riding it’s not a big deal, but when stopping and sitting at lights, there are several hundred pounds of metal that need balancing and a solid foundation is needed. If you don’t have good footing, there is a risk of sliding and no biker wants to drop their bike…especially when other people will see it happen.
Bandanas on the head of a biker are usually a specially cut and sewn style of bandana called a doo-rag (or do-rag, du-rag). If you ever smell the inside of a baseball hat you know that it doesn’t take too long before it smells pretty foul. Wearing a doo-rag helps absord the sweat and keep as much as possible out of our helmet, this keeps us from having to buy a new helmet once it smells beyond normal. There is also another common reason for wearing a doo-rag. Many bikers are bald or have shaved heads. Doo-rags help fend of the effects of UV rays that cause sunburns. It’s just a preventative measure. For bikers who have longer hair it keeps hair out of their face which can be a safety risk when riding.
Bandanas on the face is another practical measure. Longer beards tend to slap a bikers face when riding, and it can be surprisingly painful and annoying. Wearing the bandana keeps wiskers where they are not in the way and helps keep bugs out of a bikers mouth.
Why a chain on our wallet? If you have ridden for any length of time, you know that eventually your wallet will work it’s way out of your back pocket. Chaining it to our belt is just a means of keeping it safe and sound. Some bikers also hang their other keys on the chain, and this is just for the same reason – keeping track of things.
Sunglasses are pretty straight forward; we wear them because it’s bright out there. Riding a motorcycle, you soon realize that it is brighter than the inside of a car. There is no shelter for the sun’s rays so bikers need to protect their eyes from the sun. Glasses also help protect a biker’s eyes from pebbles, bugs and other road debris that is common on roads.
Sunglasses at night are often worn as well, but they are either clear or tinted with a yellow or amber colour. This is to protect from bugs and debris as well, but with the tinted lenses it also helps to brighten the road. Bikers who wear contacts also wear glasses to prevent their lenses from drying out in the wind.
That’s pretty much it. Style isn’t the priority, safety is. The next time you see a scary biker covered in leather you’ll understand why he or she looks that way. Also, next time you see a guy riding a sport bike in shorts and running shoes, you’ll wonder why he isn’t wearing the right gear to be safe.
Stay safe out there because everyone has a story. You need to be around to tell yours.